Friday, October 10, 2008

Dear Brown Man I Saw on Fox News Last Night

Dear Emi,

Here is a draft of a letter I was thinking of sending to a strange brown man I saw on TV last night. He is not voting for Obama. I guess everyone in the US isn't as excited about having a smart, articulate, dynamic president who also happens to be the same color as me. I had no idea. I think he should have his own TV special because I'd like to understand him.


101 Main St.
Anytown, Redstate 11111


Dear BrownManWhoLovesMcCain:

I saw you on TV last night. And I thought I'd tell you that I have to disagree sir. May I speak plainly?

If ever there was a time to suck it up, get it together and stop acting like an idiot--its NOW friend. I mean, it almost hurt to watch you preaching to what looked shockingly similar to a jim crow era lynch mob about Obama's alleged "terrorist connections". It looked like a pork chop talking about dinner to a pack of Rottweilers. Guess who was the pork chop?

BrownManWhoLovesMccain, can we talk? I think we need to talk. I'd like to better understand.

You really don't want to have a president who looks like you? You don't want your kids to grow up and really think they could be president too? You think an educational system based on testing and teaching to that test is good? You like 5 million dropping into poverty? You wanna live with McCain appointed supreme court justices for the rest of your natural born life and a decent chunk of your kids lives too? You like the fact that money for a projector used at a planetarium in our second city is called irrelevant pork barrel spending. You like presidents who have used the word "gook" in the newspaper? You like not having healthcare, or having to promise your first born to get it? You like recessions? And panic? And you like the idea of women dying from DIY abortions in back alleys with coathangers? You like war? You like old people who might die in the white house and hand us to Palin on a plate with parsley on top of us? You like the achievement gap? You like the fact that no one will ever date you because being a foaming-at-the-mouth misdirected and ill-informed black republican is number 3 on the Top 5 Least Sexy Things in the Universe list? (With diarrhea and boils coming in at 1 and 2, respectively.)


BrownManWhoLovesMccain were you raised by wolves? Cause there is no way you had a black mom like mine. It wouldn't be pretty if you did. Either way, I find you fascinating.

Good luck (you'll need it!),


Anonymous said...


I saw that same man and wrote a series of tanka about him. This said it much better though.

deborah said...

so very scary! you know it is NOW that i wish i was american so i could vote come november 4.

The Bougie Negro said...

You are so Awesome! Nothing more needs to be said. You summed it up.